Twilight Lawns plc: Complaints and Concerns regarding a missing Resident
65Twilight Lawns: Our little taste of Paradise on Earth
This notice has recently been found tacked up on lampposts, trees and bus shelters in Norbury-sur-Mer and Saint Reatham, Surrey.
Dear Mr Quentin Oulde-ffarte,
Lillian was complaining that she hasn't seen you around lately.
Mrs Parker-Browne was complaining that she wanted your help with her Pump Organ, as her Chronic Flatulence has returned and she needs you. Pushing that pump organ may be fun, but it takes it out of the Old Dear.
Sergei Yakwitch was complaining that His Balalaika Ensemble needs a new set of Ukrainian Folk Songs, Chants & Dances and you seem to be the only one who knows them all. Could you please return his sheet music?
Sister Agnes was complaining that after she was involved with Tom Mould and Betty the Sheep in the incident in the London taxi, she can't get you out of her mind.
Sister Mary Perpetua from Saint Benedict's, Streatham Hill, (AKA) Sister Mary Perpetua of The Little Sisters of Selective Charity, Streatham Hill, wonders where you have been and was complaining that she didn't know where to look for you.
The East Sussex Morris Dancers in conjunction with the East Sussex Salvation Army Choir and Brass Band and Tambourine Ensemble, the Vergers and Flower Arranging Committee of the Parish Church of Saint Ignatius the Confused, Battle, would like to invite you to their Harvest Supper next year so long as you don't bring that gang of Pakis with you.
The Women's Institute (East Sussex) and Salvation Army Ladies Troupe, East Sussex, were complaining that your table manners were deplorable and that they never want to see them or you at their harvest Supper next year, or ever again… something to do with that gang of Pakis you brought with you last year.
Clytemnestra & Agamemnon Sproggit were complaining and were complaining and were complaining that they haven't seen you since you stayed at ‘Dun Roamin’, Guest House with them last year. They asked if you had accidentally packed their second best enuretic sheet in your luggage when you left.
Raj the Gardener's Dad was complaining that he lent Raj his Sitar once in early 2005, and that you were a witness, so could you pop around to Paki Villas, Saint Reatham, this evening because he also has one or two things to say to you concerning his son Raj, and his son Jamal, and his son Samir and his son Achmed…. His daughter Fatima asks why she hasn't been mentioned and was complaining that you seem to like her brothers more than you like her or her eight sisters. She and the other girls have asked if you would like a plate of your favourite Murgh Biryani and Samosas when you arrive.
Cecilia was complaining that she has nothing to complain about.
Cissie was complaining that there is no alcohol when you are around.
Elspeth was complaining that you were involved when she was trussed up like a turkey, but also thought you had lived rough with her for a while in the Grotto of the two Thousand Virgins of Cracow. So she forgives you for the incident last Christmas.
Eulalia Hawkins (Mrs) was complaining that Large Jamaican Ladies are not your cup of tea.
Hermione, Hilda, Maude and Emily were complaining that the alcohol in your cupboard has been substituted for Sennacot Syrup.
Beatrice Orme-Wilde and Maude setting out for the Reading Rock Festival
We are assuming that Beatrice Orme-Wilde would have been complaining that she hasn't seen you but she is still missing at the Reading Rock Festival.
H.R.H. Princess Alice of Schleswig-Philistine von Gotha und Hans-Knees-und-Bumsen-Daisy Und-So-Weiter was complaining that she can't remember who you are; or indeed, who she is.
Nurse C (Clingfilm) Kelly was complaining that you seem to be in the queue every time she gives her Tuesday enemas.
Fun is fun, Mr Oulde-ffarte, but you tend to take your fun to a hedonistic degree.
Cook
Cook was complaining that her Harley Davison Motorcycle, which had been parked in the passageway outside her kitchen for years and years, is now parked outside the 'Pakis R Us Innit' kitchen at their Takeaway in Halstead, Essex… very near where you have been visiting friends.
Matron (Mrs Hilda Plantagenet-Featheringstonehaugh) was complaining that you don't put up the seat when you use the lavatory. “Put up the seat or learn to aim, Mr Oulds-ffarte” were her final words on the subject.
Brenda Bagwash has complained quite heatedly that when you were last at the ‘Duck and Dike’ public house in Cornwall on the Twilight Lawns Art Appreciation holiday organised by Dear Lettice, that you had a small bet that you could drink her under the table and that after only five pints of local Scrumpy you succumbed and yet you have not come good with the 7/6 bet you had with her. One feels that this gambling debt has carried on for quite a while, but a bet is a bet (especially with our Brenda).
Lettice Rogers-Allbody was complaining that you haven’t been back to the Art Appreciation Lectures that she was running at “The Lawns”. She begs you to return, and mentions that when you do, could you or would you try to remember that Dear Little Angie lent you her Aquarelles and there was a lovely shade of David Cameron Blue that appears to be missing.
Nurse Smythe was complaining. Well, she would, wouldn’t she?
Raj the Gardener's Lad was complaining that you keep ringing him on his Mobile Phone, Raj (Temporary Head Gardener), says he would like to see you in private, but not when his Dad is around… or Sharon.
Tom Mould was complaining that since living in Northumbria with his Aunt after the incident with Betty the sheep, he misses your cheerful face across the breakfast table in the mornings.
The Reverend Hugh Halitosis of the Parish Church of Saint Jude's, C of E, Streatham, known locally as “Saint I'm-All-Right-Jack-on-the-Common” was complaining that you took his toothbrush when you went to stay with him in 2004 and could he have it back, please.
The Little Sisters of Selective Charity, Saint Benedict's, Streatham Hill were complaining that you have not been seen at Mass since Little Bertram Boyle, the new choirboy, stood up in church during the Mass and said that you were his favourite uncle…"Uncle Mars Bars" he called you.
Archbishop Setrag and Father Hayastan were heard to complain that you hadn’t been seen at Eucharist at Saint Setrag’s for several weeks. They wanted to know if it was something they said.
We are all complaining that, although we have searched at (and in) ‘Dun Roamin’, Guest House, Battle, West Sussex, the Parish Church of Saint Ignatius the Confused, Battle,The Princess Margaret Rose Cocktail Bar & Lounge,The Queen Alexandra Day Drawing Room and all of Twilight Lawns, Residential Home for Distressed Gentlefolk, Norbury-sur-Mer, Surrey, you appear to have fallen off the edge of the world.
Please get back to us and or at least let us know that you are all right.
Missing you sorely, all of us at Twilight Lawns plc
x
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Hello Ian,
It was so nice to get an update on all the residents, friends,family, and others that are new I believe to the resthome??...I went a hunting for Mr Quentin Oulde-ffarte to see where he was but I could not find him. This was so enjoyable as each character comes to life with you funny antics..If nurse Kelly is complaining she has not seen Quentin for the enemas I would think she is enjoying her job abit too much...lol...Mrs Hilda Plantagenet-Featheringstonehaugh has not changed much and indeed has a valid complaint if you ask me..lol Do you think Quentin did take cooks motorcycle..humm..sounds fishy to me..Thank you Ian..So good to see another hub on this lovely Twilight Lawns episode..More please!
Love and hugs,
Sunnie
drbg, I am giggling away like a group of schoolgirls at your comments. Thank you so much for immersing yourself in my inconsequential little hub. I thoroughly enjoyed writing all this rubbish, and it makes it a hundred times better to hear your very amusing and kind (Understanding?) comments.
Mr Oulde-ffarte just developed as I scribbled, and I could see him taking form before my eyes.
I'll tell you what; if he puts one more foot out of line (and that is very likely with his track record) I will avail myself of the services of the gentleman in Sing Sing.
And Betty is available for Weddings, Bar Mitzvahs and Children’s parties. I can assure you she’s worth every penny, although she will insist on having her own bedroom if she has to travel too far, and the return journey would be so long that she needs to sleep overnight.
Thanks for your kind request… and thanks for your visit.
Thank you so much, Sunnie, for the visit. You've almost become a part of the furniture at Twilight Lawns, and I am sure that many of the Old Girls wish they had your style... I think there are one or two of the more (how shall I put it - interesting) gentlemen who quite have a soft spot for you also. And of course George Blenkinsop showed a little more interest than Matron thought “quite right” when you came to give your lecture on ‘Keeping Chickens Can Be Fun – But having a Rooster in the Bedroom is Going Too Far’.
Dear old George Blenkinsop started to dress like you, attempted to copy your accent, and he would have got away with most of it except he turned up at dinner one night, dressed in an identical outfit to yours, and Ghastly Prendy thought he WAS you. But when it turned out it was George in drag, she got up on the roof and… you know what Ghastly Prendy does on the roof if she’s annoyed.
Raj sends his regards, by the way, and says that if at any time you come back to the UK on one of your lecture tours, his Ammi would be honoured to put you up in their house at Paki Villas. And she asks if you like Asian cooking because she would like to feed you up on Biryani and Pakoras and Samosas and Jalfresi and… she said you seemed like a nice person, and do you have any unmarried male relatives because Raj has eight sisters and only one is married so far, so there’s a lot you could discuss with her.
OMG!!!! I cannot believe they are still talking about my lecture...the rooster thing..well...we just will not talk about that one..I may have had bit too much to drink thanks to Old George...I knew I was missing an outfit when I unpacked.. Asian food is my favorite so I will be honored to stay at the Paki Villas..I will see what I can do about bringing a friend..but I cannot promise...it seems as if most of my male friends are taken. I could put up a poster or something.
You're going to love this, Sunnie.
I have to have a hernia repair, operation, and when I asked the doctor how long it would be before I would be able to climb stairs (remembering that both my bathrooms and the lavatories are on the first floor) she said that I would not be able to climb the stairs, as I am already disabled and have trouble getting upstairs, for about four weeks.
Imagine not being able to go to the loo or have a bath or shower for four weeks.
The physiotherapist, when I told her this, said. "We could most probably get you into a care facility for that time".
I said "What??? Me surrounded by a lot of old farts?" and she said,
"Don't worry, there are several young people there. You could have your own room with an en suite shower".
I may as well move into Twilight Lawns straight away.
Yipes!
And Eek!
Young people!!! I may be 72, but I don't want to spend four weeks with Cissie and Mr Oulde-ffarte and Maude (Maybe Maude... I like Maude) and the Three Gertrudes and Ghastly Prendy and all the rest of them.
Oh my Ian..I cant believe it...Maybe you can do a sponge bath and get a side toilet downstairs.. temporary..I know you can not drive for a couple weeks or more..I have had one and it is painful but I cant imagine you having to go into one of the homes..can you pay for homehealth and get someone to come there to your home..A pretty nurse..sponge bath..just think about it...haha Please keep me posted..I had my hernia a year before getting in fixed but waiting almost too long..It was from lifting patients.
Sunnie.
Mrs Hilda Plantagenet-Featheringstonehaugh
Matron
Twilight Lawns plc
Dear Mrs Plantagenet-Featheringstonehaugh
I write in relation to your online appeal calling upon your erstwhile resident, Mr Quentin Oulde-ffarte, to return to Twilight Lawns plc, or at least to make his well-being known to you.
As an elderly, strike that; mature, but mentally alert, participant in the Hub Pages community, albeit from the second-farthest-flung remnants of Empire, I felt it my duty to offer a personal perspective on the possible reason that may have led Mr Oulde-ffarte to not only absent himself from the comfortable accommodations of Twilight Lawns plc, but to also distance himself from what you clearly regard as representing more of a warm, welcoming, caring, if unavoidably institutionalised, human embrace.
Whilst it is touching to read the concerns of the various residents of your no doubt exemplary older-care establishment, life-stage contemporaries that they are, (and/or companions, as they clearly, and very probably justifiably, regard themselves), of Mr Quentin Oulde-ffarte, I feel that this is an occasion on which distance, coupled with a particular and unique affinity, adds a perspective that may be clouded by the closer proximity and different social mores, that you and your residents share, to the matter at hand.
It is indeed difficult to imagine a distance much greater than that between the Sunburnt Country and England’s verdant green. And of course, apart from that physical span, there is the matter of point-of-view. As is well-known, there are few areas in which the point of view of a New Zealander living in Australia, and an Englishman, (or Englishwoman), will naturally coincide. Cricket and Rugby being two that spring immediately to mind.
And yet, within your online missive to Mr Oulde-ffarte, lies the ‘particular and unique affinity’ to which I referred earlier. And which I believe is at the root of his departure.
I refer of course to the allegation made by Tom Mould, “......after the incident with Betty the sheep.” This is the slur that provides the affinity between Mr Oulde-ffarte and myself. Few who have not suffered the vile and unjustified accusation of having co-habited with the woolly creature, that I (and indeed, many thousands of fellow New Zealanders living in the Sunburnt Country) have been subjected to on a regular and ongoing basis, can understand the deep hurt and offence that results from it.
I believe that Mr Oulde-ffarte has been humiliated into exiting the halls of Twilight Lawns plc. And that, until and unless the disgusting accusation is withdrawn, there is very little chance that he will return to grace you and your residents with his gentle charm.
I enjoy watching a Television programme from England, called “Escape to the Country”. Particularly the episodes hosted by Melissa Porter, such a fine example of the womanly charms of the English brunette.... But, I digress. It is my belief that Mr Oulde-ffarte has in fact executed what military strategists, (and gender transformation surgeons), refer to as a ‘reverse manoeuvre’. I believe he has escaped from the country. And into a form of embarrassed exile.
Whether ‘country’ is in the rural or sovereign context, I think depends on a simple scenario.
If Betty is an attractive animal, I suggest you concentrate your search on major metropolitan centres. In the extremely unlikely event that Betty is an ugly sheep, (is there such a thing?), I suggest you check overseas departure lists at airports.
While hoping that this letter is helpful in providing a plausible explanation for the confusing and distressing departure of your well-liked resident, Mr Quentin Oulde-ffarte, I must regrettably remain, for reasons I’m sure you will understand
Yours sincerely
Anonymous
Well, I don't like to be picky, m'dear - - but all I really noted were complaints and few actual concerns. I'm not so concerned about the dearth of concerns here, but mightn't it bring on questions about false advertising in your title??? With all the judging that goes on around the place, it could rear its ugly head.
Just a thought. . . . I'm always concerned about your welfare! I am really pleased for the general update on the group at the Lawns, even if they're heavy on complaining and light on concerning.
Speaking of which, that pronouncement that you're definitely not going to be able to climb up to the loo and shower really is a genuine concern for us! Sunnie is right. Perhaps you could get a porta-potty and maybe some temporary kind of bathing apparatus for downstairs. Remember the big pitcher and bowl used not too many millinnia ago? Just for the four week duration. And begin to consider having a bathroom installed downstairs. As a medical necessity, maybe under your health care provisions?
I still think a lift like Mrs. Venable's is a viable answer, though; - and perhaps as a medical necessity, possibly less expensive than the downstairs bathroom. It would serve multi-purposes, too. The bath isn't the only thing you need to go upstairs to access! It might prevent further injuries which would otherwise necessitate more medical use of your free heath care!
Dearest Ian, I am deeply concerned by the fact that one of the residents from Twilight Lawns is missing. No one in their right mind would want to leave this venerable home without it taking force, so I am wondering if you should call in the Bobby's. Perhaps you should notify Scotland Yard.
I am also deeply concerned that you are needing accommodation for your upcoming surgery. Since it would be highly disturbing to you (and probably not fast enough) to have another bathroom built (think Pamela, my dear Ian),I believe it would be cheaper and wiser to have a stair lift installed or go to the nearest luxury hotel.
Please give all the residents my best and inform them that I am in good health and will be in touch. My regards to you, my old coot.
Love Becky
Thank You Nellie..I agree..think the lift is a nice idea too..but Using the basin for a bath was done for years..it is only a few weeks..You will be hurting but you MUST move around and walk too...or it will take so much longer to heal.We will be thinking about you..If Nellie and I could come we would right Nellie? The portable potty is a great option..
Lots of love,
Sunnie
Lots of funnies in this Twilight. Hard to pick a favorite. Selective Charity... and Hans-Knees-Und-Bumsen-Daisy are a couple, but there are plenty more.
Dearest!
Many thanks for the mention, I'm touched (but, of course, you knew that).
I do have to report that I am currently in control (loosely speaking) of our Quentin, Lettice and I having just bumped into him in the Knob and Bodkin.
He was somewhat worse for wear having taken refuge in the cellar since he escaped (ahem - sorry) - wandered away from Twilight Lawns.
We were in awe of his nose, which is now a virulent shade of puce and looks about to explode. Lettice was of the opinion that it ought to be lanced but I thought it would be useful to sit around back at mine as the central heating has failed again. So at present he is sitting in the middle of my front room wrapped up in a copy of The Times (he grew attached to it whilst sleeping rough - or rather, it grew attached to him).
I would be grateful if you could tell Matron where he is and have her come to fetch him as I cannot tell whether or not the Gorgonzola has gone off or it is just Quentin's proximity. Tell her I forgo any reward as long as she collects him swiftly.
Much love and best wishes for the hernia thingy ... x
Ian, now then, Sunnie, Becky and Nellieanna all agree that the lift would be the thing. So it's settled.
Even though the recovery from the hernia OP may be relatively brief, it's still a good excuse - er - reason - to medically need a lift. After all, you said you'd had various previous trouble with the stairs, so it would serve you well from now on; not just a short-term investment in your health & welfare. Unless your health care program is as futzed up over there as ours seems to be, they ought to welcome the chance for the long-term benefits & appreciate the overall savings in ?s.
If rehab restores you to complete mobility, which is the loveliest outcome, one can always use a lift, once installed, and it would serve as preventative medicine, too.
Think of the stories it would inspire you to write! Just don't mention that to the health authorities; - they may balk/frown on funding it for that purpose, though keeping people gainfully and/or happily occupied is always a positive health measure. I'm a case in point.
Yeah, Becky, I'm also leery of possible plumbers available, thinking 'Pamela' here! hehe That whole nightmare experience could have exacerbated the hernia, in fact. No more Pamela or Pamela-clones!! Uh-uh!
You bet, Sunnie. If possible, we'd be over there in a heartbeat to assist however we could. We might even help straighten out those crazies at Twilight Lawns! They'd never be the same again, right, Sunnie? For sure, we'd administer some (tough) love to get them over all that grumbling & grousing they've been into!! Sheesh! Their moaning & groaning is almost audible clear over here! It's a steady rumble - with British accents.
By the way - any thought of YOU, Ian, being incarcerated there would be medically disastrous! Just look at the stairs there, not to mention the dangerously ghastly inmates - er - residents. No, you need your lovely home outfitted properly for your best interests, including health-wise! If it did work out that you had to stay there - briefly - well, then Sunnie, Becky, Angie, DRBJ and I and whomever else we can induct - would need to check in too, just to watch after you and balance your stay with some relative sanity, plus considerable medical expertise among the contingent!! Oh, yes, (Well, so I'm not trained but someone has to be the 'lookout').
If you're the lookout Nellieanna, does that make me the bouncer?
I guess that leaves me emptying you know what...Oh a nurses job is never done! lol
Haha, Becky, We can take turns. M-W-F and T-T-S with Sundays off. Or maybe we should split the chores 3 ways. Not fair for Sunnie to have all the dirty work, nurse or no nurse! :-)
I agree..we can draw straws for the sponge bath part..hahaha Now Ian you know you have to laugh at that one...hahaha
True, but y'all are gonna have to bathe him.
I'm wondering if there's an empty pew at the St. Ignatius church of the confused.. Tho I may have trouble locating it even with very good directions... Is Betty trained as a guide sheep? Speaking of Betty... Her current photo bears an uncanny resemblance to a school principal I had as a kid... *shiver* maybe a touch of lipstick if Tom can manage the cost. I think Mr. Olde-Ffart was spotted at the stop and shop down the street.. Told me to promise not to blab...
Oops.....
Well, Becky - that's an advantage of being untrained as a medic type. "I don't know nutting 'bout bathing' patients, Miss Scarlett! (née , Miss Sunnie)"
Well Ian, I guess you're on your own for the sponge baths. Unless you can talk Sunnie into it. heeheehee
So Ian, I guess your on your own unless you can talk
I honestly do not know what to say!..I am a loss for words...I think we should hire Cook! She looks strong enough!
Nellie...I laughed so hard I cried...Becky,No words..haha
Have any of you noticed that Ian has not responded for 2 days? I wonder where he is?
Sponge bath, Sunnie? I don;t think so. Nobody's seen me nekkid up to now and they're not gonna start!
Sponge bath, Sunnie? I don;t think so. Nobody's seen me nekkid up to now and they're not gonna start!
Brilliant comment, WOL., but your to Mr Oulde-ffarte's capabilities concerning his "grace us and our residents with his gentle charm". ;et me point out that it is often quite difficult to exude any amount of charm whatsoever to anyone, man or beast, when one has a fully grown, and particularly attractive sheep with her beck legs firmly down the front of one's green wellies.
Ah, there he is. I was wondering when he was going to show up to add to the insanity.
Okay I will cancel Cook...I am sure you will do fine! It is dangerous leaving your hub unmaned for any length of time..do you see what happens..we have everything all figured out for you...haha
Big Hugs
Thank you Nellie, I have spoken to Violet Venables and also Miss Catherine concerning the matter, Sebastian Venables was not available for comment; apparently he was cut up about something.
I believe that a downstairs lavatory and bathroom would necessitate taking over some of my garden which already bears a remarkable likeness to Sebastian's garden in its somewhat primeval state. I don’t think he would babe too happy... so for Violet to let me borrow her lift would most probably rub salt into some wounds
(Oops! Sorry, Sebastian)
Portable Potty, girls?
Dear Sunnie and Nellie, I have trouble enough going to the loo when there's someone in the house without having to use a portable loo. What do you think this is? The Battlefields around Waterloo? The Flight from Moscow??
Eek!
Portable Potty, girls?
Dear Sunnie and Nellie, I have trouble enough going to the loo when there's someone in the house without having to use a portable loo. What do you think this is? The Battlefields around Waterloo? The Flight from Moscow??
Eek!
Becky, your room awaits you as we speak. Just a few more formalities and you can move in.
Yes! I had thought Pamela, and No! A Stanna lift would not work. There is a door that open directly at the top of the stairs and that would have to be decommissioned.
Luxury Hotel sounds just right. My friends were married at the Dorchester and I thought it would do nicely for the four weeks it would take me to be up and about again.
Becky, your room awaits you as we speak. Just a few more formalities and you can move in.
Yes! I had thought Pamela, and No! A Stanna lift would not work. There is a door that open directly at the top of the stairs and that would have to be decommissioned.
Luxury Hotel sounds just right. My friends were married at the Dorchester and I thought it would do nicely for the four weeks it would take me to be up and about again.
Oh, Becky, I did notify Scotland Yard and they are already looking for Mr Oulde-ffarte. Apparently they wanted to question him about an incident when he turned up at Buckingham Palace in full drag, maintaining that he was the Princess Alice of Grande-Merde sur la Manche.
He made the mistake of shaving off his moustache when he attempted entry. Anybody at the palace knows that these old French Princesses and Duchesses have heavy handlebar moustaches.
Silly man.
The Dorchester sounds like it might be up to your level of refined elegance. Not too over the top, that would be so embarrassing. Just slightly pretentious.
I really think though that some arrangement should be made for you to have access to a proper loo and shower. Perhaps there is an old dumbwaiter which is not in use at your place.
Thank you, Mark. "Selective Charity" has always been one of my favourites, I can go with that, and I seem to have slipped "Hans-Knees-Und-Bumsen-Daisy" past the less discerning, but maybe the schoolboy German wasn't up to it
Thanks for you visit, I note that you and Mrs Plantagenet-Featheringstonehaugh have quite a thing going.
Angie, I hate to have to inform you that Matron has been approached and she has told me that Mr Oulde-ffarte's room has been given over to someone else.
When we sent out search parties, Tom undertook to scour Farthing Common, and came back, not with any news, but with a small flock of sheep. Tom refused to be separated from them and said it was either the mulching of the roses and the hydrangeas this year coming or to allow him to keep his new friends.
Betty was furious at first, but as Tom promised that she could have status of wife (er... ewe) Number One, she moved in.
Tom is happy.
Betty is somewhat mollifies (whatever that means) and to use a time worn phrase:
Quentin can Bugger Off and find other lodgings. (Yours, for the present, apparently)
Nellie, when you say "keeping people gainfully and/or happily occupied" is that Nellieannaspeak for keeping me out of mischief?
When I am bored I tend to be one of the most irritating nuisances on this planet. I promise that when I grow up I will learn to behave myself, but until then I am just a pain in the..
"You say "either", and I say "either"
You say "ass" and I say "arse"
Sing it to 'e, Ella and Louis!
Tra la la!
Let's call the whole thing off.
Dear Sunnie, Becky and Nellieanna, have you no shame or compassion? Making jokes about a poor old gentleman in need of care and attention and a soothing hand and a kindly word?
Shame upon you, girls.
Here I am, a sweet old chap, feeble and needy, weak and feeble, feak and weeble, and all you want to do is laugh at me!!!
I never though I heard you laughing about Mr Oulde-ffarte, incarcerated in a crumbly cottage and being used as a central heating radiator by that wicked, wicked Angie.
Now that tickles my fancy no end... almost as much as a handful of pure wool tickles Tom Mould's nose... but that's another story.
Sob!!!
David is like that. He has ADHD. Annoy the tar out of you if he is bored.
Now you have me crying Ian..I am so sorry that I laughed, giggled, or suggested the sponge bath..I am sorry for everything..I must go now...I must go find my compassion..I must have left it at the last feeble and weak mans house..
I still love you though..sniff sniff
You are the most unfeeble person I know, you old coot. You love that we are all picking on you and you know it. You would not know how to act if we quit. You would think we did not love you any more.
I am back...The man said he did not have it!..Amen Becky..
Candie, I love the idea of Betty as a Guide Sheep, but as we may like the idea, she had to give that up, because she got into quite a bit of trouble when she was a little younger.
Actually, she got a scholarship to go to Yale University, and all would have gone well and she would have become a great Lawyer or Banker, but one year, she needed a bit of cash and was to be seen wandering the streets of New Haven singing the Wiffenpoof song:
"We're poor little lambs who have lost our way
Baa, baa, baa
We're little black sheep who have gone astray
Baa, baa, baa”
Basically she was a woolly lady of the night but by golly she had a following (and not only shepherds), and yes, she wore a most alarming shade of red lipstick, that she had created for herself by Coco Chanel. They called it “Lamb’s Delight Scarlet”.
Goodness me, she hit the high time. But then settled down at Twilight Lawns in respectable retirement with Tom.
What a lovely tale.
I actually thought of a dumb waiter, Becky. Obviously great minds think alike.
(Fools seldom differ).
Ian
x
An I know nuthin about birthin babies, Miss Nellie.
Becky and Sunnie, you have seen right through my disguise,
Grr.
Ha ha!
That is why we love you so much..You appear to be an old bugger, but underneath all that buggerness..(not a word) is a very sweet man!
Hrumph! So that's the thanks we get for trying to help out and furnish valuable services and suggestions! To be taken as teases! To be rejected! Oh, woe is me. I'll be cryin', yes I shall. Oh, sob. Boo hoo!m (peeking out of my kerchief to see if it's having an effect. . . )
I believe you Nellie! hahahaha Here dear..use mine..I only blew once!
I am so heartbroken that he would think so ill of us. We are such sweet, unassuming girls (ahem) who only want to help our dear friend out. I can't understand how he could think such things of us.
dear mr lawns, wanting to comment, but cat will not leave my lap. cat weighs upward of 14 pounds and has lodged his furry self between me and keyboard so no caps available. i hope the missing old fart is found and duly flogged for his fuliginous fardels.
and as a deterrent to further grabbling at least take his gonfalons away...
after all twilight lawns community and congregation should no longer have to truckle to his truculent trulls, especially leaving the toilet seat up. has this man lost all revendication to decency?
i rest my case.
just one last word in his defense, could it be his lippitude that's occaisioned this linsey-woolsey response from the parishoners?
Sorry if I haven't been around for a couple of days... I have my friend here who has just come to visit from Australia and she wants to catch up with conversation for a long period.
You may notice that I am somewhat incoherent as she is talking to me now and I am finding it hard to concentrate.
Oh, oh, better save this bit I wrote for later Twilight Lawns, took me an hour to write it.
I know, Becky - sniff, sniff. Wanna borrow Sunnie's hanky?
Thank you, Sunnie. That is so generous of you! Mine still has a few blows left in it, though. Looks like we all need to lay off teasing Ian, though, since he has company and is forced to multi-task even to reply. We don't want to burden him, poor darling.
Ian, we understand - and should have remembered this expected visit! (memory slips first, they say) Hope you're N-joying! Nothing like old friends! Hope it's easier to read comments for you now than to write them! We're tending the store for you. . . . Snakeslane's kitty is keeping all rodents at bay.
Snakeslane, we'll save you front seat when he's back to his 'normal' place at the front of the conservatory. After all, we've been hogging the space on here, not realizing he wasn't even able to read our clever comments! He'll be underwhelmed when he gets back to them and in need of your interesting - uh - vocabulary! (sez she, ruffling through her dictionary. . . . - fuliginous fardels? gonfalons? revendication? lippitude? Well, at least I know linsey-woolsey - or can figure it out in context! ;-)
Hi Ms Nellianna, I'm so happy someone, especially you picked up on the verbiage I so industriously worked on to match the peculiarities of the subject matter. Most of those words came out of a book I was reading by Lawrence Durrel. I started to make a list of words he used that I didn't know and it was a very long list.
Oh, I noticed and was chuckling at a few of them. A few I knew, surprise, but I have looked them up before. Your industry when reading for pleasure amazes me. I love my Kindle because it has a Dictionary which can be accessed with a push of a button.
Snakeslane, I had to seek recourse thrice to my lexicon in pursuit of a lexicon when in search of fuliginous fardels, gonfalons and lippitude.
And found myself in triple confusion.
Attagirl!
Thanks Becky Katz. That Kindle sounds neat. I should get one. The built in dictionary is handy. I read hoping to learn something new, but usually I just fall asleep and forget what page I was on. Eventually some of it sinks in.
oh you are awake Mr Lawns don't mind us we've hijacked your Hub. Those are hard won words, work it lawns! Hahaha, sorry, your story brought out my evil twin.
My Everyman's Thesaurus of English Words and Phrases published in Great Britain 1952 has all those words (JM Dent & Sons third edition 1982.)
Mesdames, I am honoured that you have put pen to paper in memory of this poor old sod. I am missing on going out with the people who Annie (my chum) has come to see and so will on going the Savoy theatre Tomorrow and the Ritz for tea... all because I am awaiting an Occupational Therapist who will, do doubt, tell me that I will need a commode!!!
Sod, bugger, poo!!!
Awww, I have a home care worker friend who would come to stay with you while you convalesce in a heartbeat.
I have a feeling that I am being punished for publishing 'Twilight Lawns plc'. Maybe someone "in charge" has am elderly aunt in a care facility and that I should have been a bit kinder with my sense of humour (?).
you mean punished by having all these girls visit? Or punished with a bad score?
Punished by a "Higher Authority" , Snakeslane, because I write about the elderly, the halt, the lame, those with Alzheimer's Syndrome, incontinence, flatulence etc..
Maybe God has said, "OK Mate, you laughed... Now it's someone else's turn to laugh".
You obviously haven't read my 'Two Sides to Every Story' Hub, but maybe you won't want to now if you've reached saturation point.
if you will pardon the pun.
Snakeslane, have you searched for twilightlawnsplc on Google. I don't think we are allowed to put URLs on/in Comments. I going over to 'Two sides to Every Story' now.
Nothing came up Googled, will try again with www later, but right now time for a nap. All this commenting is bloody hard work!
try a http:// in front of it
Read you hub. So sad and disturbing. A lot of thought provoking stuff there. I don't think I'm there yet
Oh and to the previous suggestion, put a .co.uk at the end.
You can put a copied link in the contents. I have done it before.
OK (says he with the Hub Police gazing malevolently over his shoulder).
Meet me at http://twilightlawnsplc.co.uk
Your obedient servant,
Hilda Plantagenet-Featheringstonehaugh
Oops! Thanks Becky.
You are entirely welcome. I found it with no problem.
Hi, Becky. My friend has gone to North London for a couple of days, and now there is only your comment to address.
When she was here there were about twenty... Ha ha ha!
Occupational therapist is coming in an hour... wish me luck. Or conversely, with her luck!
I found your Twilight Lawns plc site Twilight Lawns. Good Luck with therapist.
Good luck!!!! Love ya, you old coot.
Hi Becky and snakeslane. When she asked me what they could do for me, I said that I wanted a lift that goes from the ground to the first floor and back. I said I wanted a Victorian type lift with wrought iron doors and sides... just like in Grand Hotel or something.
She turned to me and gave me a look which, roughly translated, said:
"Bugger off!"
Hi Becky and snakeslane. When she asked me what they could do for me, I said that I wanted a lift that goes from the ground to the first floor and back. I said I wanted a Victorian type lift with wrought iron doors and sides... just like in Grand Hotel or something.
She turned to me and gave me a look which, roughly translated, said:
"Bugger off!"
Either that or "He is out of his mind!"
They might get you a stair lift but I don't think they care about your Victorian decor.
You come up with the funniest names. and situations that Mr. Oulds-ffarte got into. "Nurse Smythe was complaining. Well, she would, wouldn’t she?" and the part about the toothbrush really made me laugh. funny stuff.
Oh man, I'm embarrased now missing the beat on the toilet seat, such dense writing, I really don't know how you do this TL, I write so sparingly. Just a thought. Sorry didn't go so well re the lift. Hope you're managing, try not to worry. Regards, snakeslane
I'm glad you liked it, Nikki. That's the way my mind works.
Better than hanging around street corners looking for friendly sheep, I suppose.
Come again, you are always welcome.
Snakeslane, I am a stubborn old bugger, so watch this space.
I am usually blessed, and you would not believe how often I get my way. Give me a telephone and a mission, and I could get everything I want.
I think God must really like me, or else He has a great sense of humour.
A little of both, possibly.
But in relation to writing, I am the slowest writer you can ever imagine, but I think my subconscious sorts and prepares, because I seldom edit.
Yes, the subconcious will do most of the work for you if you let it, I agree.
I'm not sure if the subconscious thinks o am Quentin Oulde-ffarte this week or Nigel Plantagenet-Featheringstonehaugh, or even Tom Mould, but time will tell.
I know when I see the next flock of sheep.
I'm a bit puzzled by the sheep thing, but that's ok.
Try 'Ovis Aries, I Love You' a deeply sensitive poem concerning first love, and undying love, written for Animal Lovers' Day.
Penned by none other that Tom Mould, in honour of his beloved Betty.
oh my!
Is that you, Dorothy?
Is that you Auntie Em?
haha and what would you do with a sheep if you found one...? lol
I thought this would be one of those 'Don't ask, don't tell' situations...
Attagirl, snakeslane!
Nikki. so long as she was pretty and had a nice smile, I think we could spend some time together.
And if he were attentive and took me out to dinner, and knew how to treat a person properly, I think the same goes.
I'm fairly easy, or perhaps you have heard that.
Ian
lol hahaha! dont be too easy, some sheep like a challenge.
Ha ha ha ha!"
I'll try, Nikki.
No one has said it, so I shall. B-A-A-A-. After all, I'm qualified, as one who grew up on a sheep and goat ranch, stomped shorn wool down in the big gunnysacks to be sent to market, and grew to equate objectionable odors as smelling "sheepy"! The lanolin was lovely for the skin, though - especially in that scorching sun.
But, Ian, dear - I'm wondering how easy it would be for you, regardless of the charming smile or fine dinner, since I've perceived you to be a person of elegant tastes to whom sheepy wouldn't appeal much, I'm thinking'. May depend on the dryness of your skin, which being in England, may not be an issue for you, though. Otherwise, a good smelly sheepy embrace could do wonders for any latent wrinkles coming on!
Hahaha, Nellie, You are bad.
Nellie, you have a wicked sense of humour. And a sense of humour is what I have needed so much today. Thank God you are around. Do you ever have days when every little thing has gone mildly, and relatively unimportantly wrong, and you know it's pointless screaming at everyone and everything?
It's been one of those days, my friend.
And you are so right, Becky, my friend, Nellieanna is incorrigible... and I think that's what makes up part of her great charm.
But coming back to you, Nellieanna. Please refer to Sheepy with the name he/she deserves. He/she is not a common noun, but a proper noun as in Sheepy.
If I am going to sit hands... er... hand and cloven hoof across the table, it must be with someone with panache.
Oh, dear. Your barrage of bad stuff has obscured the fact that I use 'sheepy' as an adjective, not a noun, much less a PROPER noun! Oh dear. Now I am concerned!
Of course the personal sheep in the dialog has a proper name of her own: Betty! Betty would never sit still for being referred to as 'sheepy', spoiled as she is, not only by Tom Mould when he was around, but by all the attention she gets from the HP gang. I'm not sure if she's fully appreciated by the rank and file of the Lawns residents as the classy person she is, but she's surely not neglected. Probably gets a lavender-scented bubble bath regularly, in fact. Those fastidious folks would never allow her to smell sheepy, nor would she like it - unless a handsome ram ®ambled by and failed to catch her own disguised real scent. Lavender wouldn't do it for him, probably. But that's OK. She's already past lamb-bearing age. Tom probably acquired her when she was but a lamb herself and the new life surely would have disturbed her natural inclinations. She has pictures of him in her own little fold; no sheep family portraits at all.
Now she expects bubble baths and champagne - and usually gets them, or so I've heard. I think there was a BBC piece about her.
Oh, yes, m'dear, I've had those days but I make it a point to slam the door on them the moment they start creeping in, though some are simply more vigorous and harder to deter. Then I have to beat them around the head and shoulders and send them limping on their un-merry ways. Sounds as though you've had some of those types sneak in of late. Get a broom and chase'm off. Scream all you want at those blues! They won't hang around when they see you armed with the broom and refusing them your company. I scream at my squirrels in the attic and it always at least shushes them! And it satisfied my need to scream at something on occasion.
Speaking of the squirrels, they've become so accustomed to my voice they only pause briefly when I come to the patio door when they're right outside it and shout "rascal" at them. They give me a studious glance and resume eating. I went up to the door yesterday holding my coffee cup up with both hands and the little rascal stopped eating, arose on his hind legs and put his two front paws together in the same position, staring back at me as though to greet me on my own terms. I think he was muttering "rascalette" under his breath.
I also notice that they think it's a spring day today. Everywhere I look I see two of them chasing each other - up trees, across the neighbors' roofs, up and down the fence - everywhere - not the same couple, either - it seems to be real squirrel Spring Fever season! Now I suppose they'll be having their babies in my attic! Oh, woe. (Unless the raccoon has scared them out of there!)
So, my dear Ian, my panache has long ago escaped. You may have to settle for funny instead. ;-)
But - - but - - Becky, Becky! I'm innocent. Innocent, I tell you!
Get a water gun Nellie. One of the big ones. Shoot a good stream at the squirrels and they will pay attention to you again. My cat sure does. I no longer have to yell at her as she is stalking the gerbils.
Water cannon. Yay!
Treat the buggers like French students.
LOL, I am laughing like a loon here.
Oh, I couldn't do that to the little critters, Becky. Or even to French students, Ian. (besides I know no French students! Where does one find them? In France? :-)
But I'm too soft-hearted. And what if one of the little rodents (squirrels, that is) is the little fellow I sort of helped rescue when it was a baby and fell out of the tree? (If you haven't read my "Squirrelly or Just Plain Paranoid" hub, you don't know about all that. hehe.)
Actually, since they seem more friends with me, I've heard very few of them in the attic, so that's another consideration. The water gun might rile them and they'd get back up there out of spite. I know the little critters scheme and plot. If they're in the yard teasing me, I can keep an eye on 'em.
Hi Mr. Lawns, been thinking about you and your wonderful Twilight Lawns farce. You remind me so much of the early Canadian humorist Stephen Leacock, I studied him a bit and actually attempted a radio play of one of his short stories 'The Yahi Bahi Society'. Are you familiar with him at all?
Hi Nellieanna, sorry, saw you there, so nice to see you, just wanted to get this Stephen Leacock connection down while thinking about it, now back to squirrels and French students...
Ah, snakeslane, one must be wary of squirrels, French students AND snooty sheep!
I hadn't heard of Stephen Leacock but thank you for the recommendation. I looked him up and found such wry wit - & some delightful of his quotes:
"He flung himself from the room, flung himself upon his horse and rode madly off in all directions. " ____Stephen Leacock
"Each section of the British Isles has its own way of laughing, except Wales, which doesn't." ____Stephen Leacock
"Writing is no trouble: you just jot down ideas as they occur to you. The jotting is simplicity itself - it is the occurring which is difficult." ____Stephen Leacock
"Personally, I would sooner have written Alice in Wonderland than the whole Encyclopedia Britannica." ____Stephen Leacock
Oh Nellieanna, you are so quick on the draw! You got me laughing first thing this morning, thanks for the quotes!
OK, Girls. I'm back in harness. Annie has just gone. Tina and Roshan came to have a meal here this evening, so Babar made an amazing curry out of bits left over from the last meal we had together on Wednesday evening plus some rice which was superb. We talked and talked and I actually held the floor and showed off for a while and we ended with a Cawa (Tea originating in Peshawar at the Cawa Street of Story Tellers, and then Roshan and Tina took Annie home with the, so that they could take her to the airport tomorrow morning on the next step of her journey to America (!)
Hi, Snakeslane. Yes, I have heard of Stephen Leacock, but have not read him.
All who know me well with tell you that I am an Oik and haven't read much. This is partly due to the fact that I am an incredibly slow reader, and partly due to the fact that I have the reading and attention span of a fairly well educated goldfish.
They tried to learn me to read and write and do sums and stuff, but I faked it... I didn't cheat, I just faked it!
Hi Twilight Lawns, I should come over there and read you a story hahaha!
Nellie, I HAVE heard of Leacock and had him recommended before and I hang my head in shame when I am forced to admit that I didn't get around to reading him. I love the quotes you have posted... I love epigrams and I think these are (whatever epigrams might mean) and I do not mean a hyperbolically enthusiastic Hubber! Ha ha!!)
Snakeslane, after what I have read and had recommended, by you and having read Nellieanna's quotes and remembering what someone else (I can't remember who) suggested, I am going to have a delve.
Thank you.
www.sffaudio.com/?p=32048 - Cached
try this link
oops maybe not, sorry
I'm listening to a story now from CBC radio. There's three stories in a series, but not sure if that link will get you there.
oh you're welcome, some similarities with what you are doing. Mostly in the satire and the long funny names.
Long funny names, snakeslane? By a misadventure, when I was baptised, I was inadvertently given the Christian names, Ian Hugh Dorking, but my surname is Dorking-Clark, so that makes me Ian Hugh Dorking Dorking-Clark, but as I embraced Islam several years ago, and took the name of Andul Haq, my names now is...
Oh forget, it... I'm just me. Ha ha!
Wow, that's quite a handle!
Don't worry, I don't use it... unless i want to get my own way, and then it works wonders. People are such snobs about names in this country.
That's why I like sending up selfishness and snobbery in Twilight Lawns plc. Where else would one find the owner/matron of a retirement home in Norbury-sur-Mer. Surrey, called Mrs Hilda Plantagenet-Featheringstonehaugh than in Goode Olde Englande???
Upper Canada was a carry over of that kind of snobbery.
United Empire loyalists.
Anyway, happy you've had a nice day.
Been busy congratulating all the contest winners.
How do I find out who the winners are?
I seldom get notified about anything on HP.
http://hubpages.com/_26tq0paqtc0wz/forum/topic/861 there you go!
Thank you. And I'm only congratulating them if they wrote good stuff!!!
here I go.
You won't be disappointed.
Disappointed? No way. I am thrilled.
I see that a really good friend and talented writer has been recognised for her work with the written word and for some lovely photographs.
Congratulations, I am proud to call you friend.
Ian
x
Need a smile button here! I honestly did not think of it as recognition. I thought it was just a random draw of each days contest entries. Hmmm, got me thinking. But my brain is Hubbed out.
No, my friend, it wan't random. I was worthy!!!
Let me see if I have this straight. You write a hub about complaining. And now half the planet has lined up pushing and shoving to offer sponge baths. You clever Oulde-ffarte.
Loo - don't you have a back door?
Hi, Mike, That's right, I'm a manipulative Old Bugger. It's amazing how the line between Quentin Oulde-ffarte and myself has become blurred.
I'm beginning to wonder if I'm his alter ego or he's my doppelganger. But while I'm getting all the offers, I'll just sit tight (or lie down) and let nature take its course.
Thanks for the visit.
By the way, there might be some baby oil left over if you have a couple of hours to spare. I don't mind them practising on you, just so they get it right when they get to me.
I have spent half my evening reading the comments to this hub. Just in case any one of you happens to see this reply from me, thank you so much. It ended a bugger of a day so nicely and now it's one in the morning and I'm going to bed laughing and smiling
Thank you
Ian
Hello Ian. You have abandoned us for your novel. How is that coming along. Last I heard it was two thirds finished and you were polishing up the Bruce Willis character's part and the chase scence wasn't quite right. Hope all is well.
Mike, that really made me laugh. Thank you.
Have you been reading my manuscript? It is true about the Bruce Willis scene. I can't really get his grunts quite right.
The car chase is coming on well, and the Bollywood sequence is amazing.
But those Indians and Pakis take a lot of feeding. I wish I could do with a couple of plates of biryani and a Chicken Tikka Masala, what that Jesus bloke managed when he fed all those extras.
Perhaps I just don't know the right people... err... People (with a capital P)
Sunnie has sort of persuaded me to publish one or two of my Twilight Lawns stories on Kindle. Not because I want to be mega rich, but because I am getting a little bored with HP.
So I might be grovelling to you and asking how to do a front cover.
(Smilies winningly!)
drbj Level 8 Commenter 6 months ago
I dunno, TL, but it appears that you-all would lead a much more peaceful and quieter existence if Oulde-ffarte never returns. I know a guy with a squashed nose and cauliflower ears who could make that happen at very little cost. He resides in Sing Sing Prison but comes up for parole shortly.
Loved your quaintly descriptive hub. BTW, is Betty the Sheep available for mixed parties? Just askin.