CAN EX-LOVERS BECOME BEST FRIENDS?
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Reassuring words for those who ask if they can remain Best Friends with their ex-Lovers.
There is one. and only one, reason... as if one needed any more than one... for it not being possible to be the best friend, or even casual friend of one whom one has loved.
The function of a friend…(and for the rest of this preachy little document, read “friend” for “friend” and “best friend”) or should I say, one of the functions of a friend is to be there (How I loathe that turn of phrase) for his/her friend
A friend is there to listen when one is pissed off with life and nothing seems to matter anymore. For example:
when the kids have not only smoked marijuana, but have set up a business dealing in it that is so successful that it would make Richard Branson jealous;
when his/her wife/husband is shagging the Swedish au pair and even the Vicar can’t be persuaded to help;
when his/her wife/husband is shagging the Vicar and even the Swedish au pair can’t be persuaded to help;
when his/her lover has developed a really nasty social disease and he/she has noticed a very unpleasant sore on her/his (fill in the location as you see fit);
when her once Rugby (or Gridiron) playing lover has started wearing her best frocks and hanging around in gay bars;
when his usually domesticated and sweet girlfriend has joined the Isleworth Chapter of Hell’s Angels and is having a very intimate relationship with Sharon from the cake shop….
and so on. All the permutations of modern living.
So what are friends for? That's easy.
That’s what friends are for… to turn to and ask for advice. How could you go to an ex lover and tell them all the above; or at least some of it, and hope to gain his/her whole and undivided (if non judgemental) attention?
One can step in and offer a bit of friendly advice; pat one’s friend on the back or knee (whichever seems more appropriate) and then having done the friendship bit, wander off into the sunset; to do more selfish, if hedonistic things, such as mowing the lawn or worming the cat.
But not if one has been a lover. If Lover Mk I hears that Lover Mk II is soiling the marital couch with infidelities or whatever, Lover Mk I wouldn’t be too severely criticised if he/she were to gloat. Well, it’s natural, isn’t it? Or to use a colloquialism; “Innit?”
I mean. If my Ex were to come to me and say that the latest piece of filth he/she had picked up had been shagging half Norbury-sur-Mer till their ears squeaked, I know I am the person most noted for my compassion and understanding, but I would most probably say something along the lines of, “You chose him/her, Sweetheart; you get on with it!” and most probably finish off my little bit of friendly counselling with a “Now, under the circumstances, I suppose a shag’s out of the question?”
Sorry mate. Rule one applies. You can’t be best friends with someone you’ve played horizontal tennis with. Our prisons are bulging with people who think you can. Stalkers are stalkers, and all these things are just as unsavoury. Look at Clytemnestra and Agamemnon; look at Lucrezia Borgia and the Sforza and D’Este blokes; look at Mrs Philips down your road at number 14. They’re all the same. When the old man has fulfilled his usefulness and ceased to be Numero Uno...
Does he take up living in the spare room?
Does he become a figure of importance and/or respect in the once happy home?
No, he is more likely to end up under the patio in the back garden; or (more or less unwillingly) or perhaps end up donating most, or all, of his body parts to the pig slop in the local pig farm.
Just a warning. Ex lovers can’t be friends.
Think of the female spider. Post coitus… Wham! Dinner.
Not friends. One eater… one pudding.
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Hi! And thank you for the "Nice hub". The next time I see a Black Widow spider, I'll ask how it was for her. I don't think I'll get the chance to ask her husband.
It's obvious then, don't put your friendship at risk. Thanks for dropping in; feel welcome any time.
You make a strong case, my friend. I would say only that a person doesn't necessarily tell their best friend everything anyway, so to withhold a bit of information here and there is nothing. So you might have your best friend, who is an former lover, and friend A, who is your buddy that you talk about your sexual conquests with, for example, how on a drunken night I shagged all the old broads at a certain upscale retirement facility in the charming-if fictional-Norbury-sur-Mer.
As for me, I'd rather shag the Swedish Au Pair than the Vicar! Ha!
I was all the way through reading this and thinking, "Wow! Christoph is so serious tonight," when I reached the denouement (artistic term) and almost choked laughing. Thank you, I'm going to giggle like a schoolgirl in my bed tonight as I remember that comment. Cheers!
Hilda P-F
So Christoph says.. unless the Swedish Au Pair is named Ivar! Anyhoooo... it's always good to de-worm the cat. Forget donating body parts to the local pig farmer. It's all just a tad to distasteful.. and not fair to the pigs. Now then.. if I were an ex-lover.. ok so I am/have been.. not sure I want the pesky details of the formers newly former/current/future relationships. I have enuf of my own thank you very much. Now then.. where oh where is the next Mr. Next?!
From what I've heard, Candie, they are forming an orderly queue at your front door, as week speak. Make sure that all their credentials are up to par (That is not a euphemism, by the way) and that there is plenty of accommodation for their large, chauffeur driven cars, BMW Sports and Harley Davidsons.
If you need any secretarial assistance, just call on me.
Until then, you'll have to do with the Swedish au pair and his twin brother (Sven and Sten).
Sorry about the typographical error, Candie. You know what I meant, don't you?
"week speak" - Shame!
Of course, I meant to write, "as we speak".
Hahaha! I didn't notice the typo.. now I'll recheck ALL your hubs! You need a secretary like I need an extra helping of mashed potatoes and gravy-- NOT!
This line up of men must be hiding behind the shrubbery cuz I can't see them! I'll install a 'take a number' kiosk for faster 'service' (that sounded not so right!) Hahaha!
Wonderful. I'm still chuckling
Wonderful piece of writing Twilight - enjoyed it thoroughly. Thanks for this wonderful hub. You have a wonderful way with words. Did I mention that before? Well, if I have, it is worth mentioning again :)
No one has taken a number yet. Sigh!!!
They're mechanising the whole ticket system. I saw them installing a board with coloured numbers and flashing lights... you're in there, girl!
Just a warning. Ex lovers can’t be friends.
so no conversation should be happening then?
and i know someone with a spare room story lol
Hi Gothicpoet. great to see you again, and thank you for your comments. I am afraid we all have a "spare room" story... (Blush) but there you go. Looking forward to reading a hub of yours soon.
Shil, why am I so rude? I didn't reply to your nice comment. Here we go:
Thank you so much, Shil, for your very positive and well received comment.
my lover girl as me to be her best-friend,b'cos her parient don't like me,and we have dated for about 7yrs.and to be frank am ashame b'cos i can be are best frnd.pls friends advice me on what to do.i try to speak to her on phone and she said no,dat her mum said she will kill her self if didn't leave me.
I think the time has come to move on. If her parents don't like you, and she won't answer the phone when you call, there's little point in continuing. You wouldn't want her mother's blood on your hands, would you? Even if she did it herself. Bit of a dramatic family are they? Stay away from them... they don't sound too healthy.
I don't think I'm friends with any of my ex-lovers. Or to be exact, I don't think they're friends with me :-)
Thanks for the Hub Twilight
Thanks for taking the time to look deep into the soul of reason and good sense... or something like that!
Nice Hub Ian..humm.. I don't think it is possible and be mentally healthy about it..too confusing..we could be pleasant to each other I am sure but not hang out..I mean might set us both up for another intimate moment and WAM..no longer friends but back to lovers again..
Sunnie
Hi, Sunnie. I forgot I had written these words of wisdom. I hope it will be helpful to anyone going through a break up.
Ha ha ha ha!
I don't care really. Lovers and friends??? I don't think so.
I always like think that ex-lovers can become best friends even though my past experiences have told me otherwise. Why can't people just get over with breakups quickly? What is there to hate or dislike? Have they forgot the three words that were said every now and then? Or did they really mean it?
One eater ..... one pudding - Nice!
Three words?
"I am confused."
"Pay me more."
"What is this?"
Oh yes, now I remember... "I love you"... not you especially, but I love it that you have come to read my scribbling. Please feel free to visit again.
Thank you.
Ian, as you can see, I have started my journey through your work with a hub you characterized as 'serious',,, Well, I can say that I'm not sure if I agree with you. In my opinion, if two people are both mature adults, they should be able to be friends after being romantically involved with each other. However, this is theoretical only, and practice says otherwise. As you said, just ask the spiders, right?
A nice collection of thoughts, and I love the examples you wrote at the beginning of the hub :)
Nemanja,maybe my concept of "serious" is somewhat different from that of others'.
Ha ha!
Thanks for the visit. Hoping to keep you entertained.
Great to see that you haven't resorted to the Public Library yet.
Ian
Ha, your concepts are definitely different, my friend! No, the Public Library here still hasn't got my support, but it will soon enough - I just need to finish reading a lot of interesting stuff here first :)
Thank you for your support, Nemanja.
This must be unique, but no one (NO ONE) is reading my stuff on Hub Pages, apart from you, and believe it or not, I don't care, because your comments and interest make me feel wonderful...
Yep! Wonderful.
I find it hard to believe that your stories here on HP aren't being read by a lot of people, but that is probably only temporarily. On the other hand, I am glad that I have managed to make you feel, as you say, wonderful, as these stories of yours make you worthy of a feeling such as this...
Thank you my friend. That's all I need.
Twilight...
I like to think that if my ex came to me with a problem involving her and the "latest" paramour, that I would offer the best snark-free advice I could.
I also like to think that I will see the ACTUAL Easter bunny tomorrow...I'm known for my snarkyness at times...
This is wonderful and I will be sharing it and passing it around like a "fish" in prison.
Thomas
I loved your point of view - especially because I agree!
I ran into my ex-husband a while back...he wanted to be "friendly" and meet up for lunch - what a great guy! - so he could give me some things of mine he had saved for 15 years...ha! (some really good photographs of mine) I did meet up with him (but I brought my best girlfriend - and oh! He had to run off, couldn't stay for lunch after all:((( wah! I do not think he had any interest in being my friend! Lol. Do you? He's never called me again to see how I'm doing? Haha
You just can't unring a bell.....!
Thomas, if you do find that little rascal with his fluffy tail and his cute little ears, remember what happened to the bunny in the film, 'Fatal Attraction'.
I don't know if you see yourself as more of a Glen Close character or you would prefer to be a sort of Michael Douglas, but remember rabbit taste really nice when sautéed with fresh carrots and juniper berries.
Thanks for the visit, and the comment,
Ian
Realhousewife, I love that expression "You just can't unring a bell.....!"
I've not heard it before, but it's perfect.
When you said that you "ran into my ex-husband a while back", maybe you should have been driving a really powerful car. Those things can do some damage!
I think he most probably wanted to come the "Let's be friends" rubbish but when he saw your girlfriend, he realised she and you would know what a waste of space he is (if he is) and couldn't cope with the combined intelligence and memory banks of two, not only one, woman.
You know as well as I (and I'm a man) that women have the edge when it comes to intelligence, and seeing through a pile of crap.
Hope you're happier without him.
Thanks for the visit.
Ian,
If history is any indication, I would be the Michael Douglas character. I'm always charging into battle after my little captain with little regard to what's over the hill. You are correct...rabbit is tasty...alas...I only found the chocolate variety...also very tasty.
Thomas
Thomas, I'm laughing like a crocodile of naughty school girls at the pictures your pen created.
I have a picture (and I'll most probably have it all day) of you and Little Captain charging into the battle; sometime with you in the lead; sometimes with him forging ahead enthusiastically; sometimes the pair of you walking along a long dusty road in a late summer evening, side by side, shoulder to shoulder, forging on to greater things; new conquests.
Oh dear, that brought a tear to my eye, figuratively speaking.
Ha ha!
Ian,
Oh Christ...(Laughing!)
Now your pen has painted a picture that has kept me laughing since I read it.
So...I'm picturing (in the pull, push, and surge of battle)
...the occasional stumble in which the regimental colors are in danger of dishonor...heroic measures are taken...truly...very stirring!
Thank you for the laugh my friend!
Thomas
PS...I've been meaning to say, "Long live the British Class System." I LOVE it!
Thomas, have you looked at my profile and seen the addition just below or above (I can't remember) 'Long live the British Class System'?
I added it last night.
theseus Level 2 Commenter 17 months ago
hi..nice hub.
but...it depends. if you were bestfriends before you even became lovers, then even if you did not end up together, then you can still be the best of friends.after all, your foundation is friendship.it would be a waste if you sacrifice it just because your intimate relations did not work.